For the first time in my life that I can remember I don't have a plan, I don't know what the next step is and it is really scareing my. What I do next isn't laid out in a clear path like it always has been. My calendar has no date for when school starts again, no fall break, no holiday breaks are penciled in yet. It's blank, just as my slate is for the rest of my life. A lot of people would envy this state of being that I'm in. I'm 24 and have no plans and nothing really tying me down, I should relish this opportunity but I can't seem to bring myself to that point. I think I am too rational and methodical in my thoughts. Whenever questions of what if pop into my head I quickly bring myself back down to earth and think about student loans, my future, what I want to achieve. All are things that will happen with time, I'm impatient. I want to get on with my life, whatever that next step may be. I know that God has a plan for me and my life, it's just hard to wait and wonder what that is.
Susanna told me to LIVE during this time. She's right, she's good at taking life by the horns and I greatly admire her for that and hope to learn from her how to be that way. But changing takes time and as I said before I'm impatient and sometimes it just seems easier to stay the same. Easier is not better and change can be good. Growing and evolving are necessary for becoming a better person. How do I do that without losing who I am?
Sometimes life seems to come quickly and other slowly. The next two weeks are basically unplanned. I don't have any finals and all I have to do is pack. I want to make the most of this time, but I have the feeling that I will just let it go by. Two weeks, fourteen days, seems like a long time but it's not. In two weeks I will have officially graduated and will be wondering "now what?". Assuming I don't find a job during the next two weeks I'll move back home to Carrollton, then what? I used to be afraid of dogs but not so much anymore. I think that fear has been replaced by the fear of the unknown. Hopefully one day I wll overcome this fear and embrace the opportunity to go forth without a clear path. One day, hopefully.
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3 comments:
I know how you feel...I still have at least three semesters of school left and I'm already scared! It got better after I got my internship, but still...the unknown is a frightening thing
May i just say... ditto! I am struggling because of the unknown too, but we just have to have faith that things will work out.
I knew what I was going after I graduated, but there was still a huge fear of the unknown. Because even though I had a job lined up, I was scared by the fact (and still am, a bit, even 3 years later) that whatever I do from this point on is totally and completely MY CHOICE. For so long you follow the standard progression -- high school, college, internships, grad school. And then all of a sudden the entire world is open to you. It's totally scary! I understand where you're coming from. :)
But having the benefit of hindsight that you don't, it's true that things do work out. You find a job and you build a life there. These days, I'm not 100% satisfied with my job, but I am completely satisfied with the life I've built in Houston.
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